I’m crazy. Trust me. People say that depression and anxiety is one of the most common issues among teens, you'll grow out of it, it'll be okay, this too shall pass, keep your head up, keep positive or any other bull they can think of at the moment they find out that you have it. In that moment when someone finds out that you have either of those things they treat you differently. I guess it's normal. They cant help how they think of feel just like I cant. Maybe they'll start to treat you amazing, maybe they'll hate you a little because they don't believe in mental illness, maybe they'll treat you like you're a broken vase in need of fixing, maybe they wont treat you different at all, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they're judging you. What I find the funniest is that just because they know something about you, they think you're the one who is gonna act different. They're surprised when you make jokes about it, or even talk about it at all. Suddenly they think that you being sad is an issue of life or death. The worst thing is the voice. Oh, how I hate the voice. You know, the voice where it sounds all gentle and understanding, but really just makes you feel like a mental experiment? Yeah that voice. Therapists and psychiatrists aren't the only ones who use that. -Walking through the halls at school when a teacher asks: How are you feeling today? When someone makes jokes about you: I didn't mean it, I shouldn't have said anything. When you make jokes about yourself: Oh stop, you're not crazy, just different.- Yes, the voice gets used every day. And every day I'll respond with the answers that make those people the most comfortable instead of what I'm thinking because they would either be very sad or very uncomfortable if I told them what was actually going on in my mind. It might go a bit like this:
Teacher: How are you feeling today?
Me: Well considering I only got two hours of sleep last night- because well I don't know, maybe it was because the ceiling became rather interesting, or maybe it was because my brain was thinking so many things so fast I wanted to explode- and when I woke up I had to take more pills than my liver appreciates, drive on the school bus with a bunch of people I hate just to get to school and see more people I hate, and when I finally get through this never ending school day I have to go home, listen to my parents yell at me, do more school work and then stare at the ceiling for another 5 hours while my brain goes over the day one thousand times just to get another 2 hours and wake up to do it all again.... You know what, I feel great. Just kidding, I feel like a hungry lion pack decided to make me their lunch but when they found out that I was all bone because I don't eat on account of I have no time, or I'm so worried or sad or sick that I just don't get hungry, they hand me over to the scavengers so they can pick over my mangled carcass until the only thing that's left on my body is the fake smile that I put on every single day when I get out of bed so that the people I encounter, that I most likely hate, aren't uncomfortable, or constantly bombarding me with questions that I will inevitably answer falsely just so they'll leave me be. How are you?
Yep. Fun ain't it. I've never understood why I can't just grow a pair and say what I'm thinking. I guess I may never know.
