Okay, anyone with anxiety can tell you: School is hell for people like us. The teachers don't really understand what you're going through or just tend to think you're just lazy. No one wants to be in your group because they know you have a fear of public speaking, or that you'll be passive towards whatever you're working on. Partner: Which section do you want to take? Me: I don't care I'll do whatever. Sound familiar? Well you've probably been one of the two at one point in your life. God, presentations are the worst. All those people staring at you, expectant, and the teacher, watching your every move, just looking for a discrepancy, waiting for something to go wrong. You can hear the clock ticking and feet tapping as you remain silent looking out at the class, palms sweating, thoughts going a mile a minute. It's almost painful to know that all you have to do is start with one word, but it doesn't want to come out. You know that speaking to a friend is easy but speaking to a class is like climbing Everest. You stand there insulting and battering yourself, putting yourself down because all you'd have to do is say that one word to start but you can't. The teacher gets mad, the students are impatient, and you wish you could just run from their stares. When you finally insult yourself enough to start, it's weak, feeble, and you're constantly asked to speak up. You try to but your vocal cords just don't want to work. When you finally finish, the teacher tells you good job and begins a slow clap. The students halfheartedly follow suit, but you know you didn't do a good job. You know that they weren't really listening. And now comes the worry of the grading. You can see the teacher checking things off, and writing comments on her paper, glancing up at you occasionally. You know you're gonna fail. Then when class is over you have to walk in the hall with what feels like a million other people, bumping into you. You're invisible. School sucks.
However, I'm weird. It's not like that all the time for me. Quite the opposite actually. Some days, I am queen of my school. I'm not afraid to speak my mind or stand up to students and teachers. I walk with my head held high and there's people in the hallways giving me high fives, pats on the back, and running to come walk with me. Sometimes I'm so confident it makes people ask how I manage to stay so positive. I have the best presentation in the class, and my teacher tells me I have a gift. Everyone wants to be in my group because they see that I'm in a good mood today, and I'm ready to get shit done. I'm the loudest kid in the class, the class clown if you will, keeping people light and laughing. I'll fucking stand on tables and sing at the top of my lungs during lunch. Yeah... I'm weird. I don't wonder any more why my doctor thinks I'm bipolar. The issue with pretty much being two people is this. Teachers can't tell when I'm actually having strong anxiety about presenting because sometimes I'm the best at it. I have two very different groups of friends and they do not get along. No one really knows who the real me is. I'm not even sure if I do. Which me do I like better? You may never know.
